When Piper was 4, they said to the dinner table of parents and auntie, “What do we all want for ourselves?” We were sitting around the table, and their baby brother was mashing peas and rice into his hair. The adults at the table looked at each other like, “holy shit.” We simply breathed for a minute.
I don’t remember the conversation that followed, other than the feeling of we were not quite getting what Piper was asking. Eventually we understood what Piper actually meant, what do we want? From this meal, from the activities after dinner, from bedtime, from the people in this room. What do we want?
Today I’m thinking a lot about this. What do we want for ourselves? Do we even really know? Do we focus so much on what needs to get done and defer all the things we actually want? I am absolutely guilty of this, of deferring my opinions and wants and pleasure and choices in order to benefit or please someone else.
The flip side is that others often just want to love us, as parents, as friends, as lovers. Sometimes we get so much in our own way that we can’t feel it or understand it. We don’t know they want us and we make ourselves so confused overthinking and overanalyzing. T repeatedly reminds me to stop analyzing everything.
What do I want? I have always just wanted to be loved, to be really seen for who I am. I’m surrounded by those that actually want to give love to me…but I don’t really accept it.
I have been working on accepting the love even if I don’t believe it. I’m struggling with not feeling worthy of love from other people-a very scary thing to admit and to put out into the world. It seems so weak. I was raised to never show weakness. My dad taunted us to get us to act tougher, his five girls. He called us “wimps” when we didn’t work hard enough.
I don’t believe I’m strong enough to be loved, that I’m a wimp and not deserving of the love and happiness I crave. So for now, I’m just going to accept it. And practice loving myself every day. All I can do is take one step at a time. And let people love me, even if I think they are crazy to do so.
Oh it takes a lot out of me to admit this. To admit I’m not perfect. Being imperfect means I won’t be loved, so how dare I show it? How dare I admit I don’t have all the answers?
But I will find the answers and I will accept the love and wanting from others. Even if I think they are crazy to want to give it to me.
#jenforthewin #radicalselflove #theywereborndragons #beyourownbestfriend #acceptlove #americanasapplepie #brokennotdead