I was interviewed Monday by family friend that grew up with my children. She’s at Portland State learning to be a teacher, and this is the second time in her University career she’s interviewed me.

As she was asking me questions I realized that I was being really philosophical, very calm and accepting and patient with the process that had been me as an early teacher. Every answer I gave her was about honoring herself…while also honoring students. 

Early in my career I was in the presence of a preschool director that was so calm and full of sage wisdom. She had been in early childhood for probably 30+ years.  She understood that others had to make their own choices, that people had to be responsible for their own mistakes and successes. 

And just like that, I realized that I am becoming the sage older woman, able to put almost all ego aside and just be there for the other person. 

THIS is what I want in this new part of my life. More time mentoring teacher candidates. Being a calm, loving, safe sage person. Helping teachers feel seen, helping them stay authentic. 

I wish it were more possible to find these kinds of truths earlier in our careers/lives, but I also know that there are no right or wrong answers in how we “do life.” The fact that in my 48th year I’m starting to actually align my values and methods and purpose and love and creativity…well, this is just how I was going to do it. 

One of the things I’m struggling with is being a person that is not in a love relationship anymore. I miss him. But it’s more than that. I see people presenting or leading meetings, or able to focus on data in data team meetings at work and I think “HOW DO THEY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS? 

How do they know how to be themselves, a professional, a complete human with work identity, and not be all torn up and freaking out inside about their relationship? I mean, obviously I’m only seeing the outside. I have no doubt that my co-workers have their own life complications and challenges. The point is that I see them talking about something with passion and connection, and I wonder where I have been. Where have I been? Out of alignment. Letting myself get far too wrapped up in the expectations of my love relationship. 

I know this is a personal blog and that it’s a bit narcissistic in general to write about your own life all the time. Apologies. 

But I think this is a big thing that others can understand. How do we let the energy and relationship with anyone enhance or stifle our professional and personal growth? What are the patterns that lead to our unbalanced selves? 

It’s really hard for me to understand how I got to this place. I was with my husband for 26 years, and we had a flow that worked, and I was able to let him know if I had to work late, and him vice versa. Sometimes we were annoyed at each other about it, but it never felt like we couldn’t do it. I don’t know how that happened in my last relationship, but I have to get to the bottom of how I let myself lose control of my choices and voice so much. 

We are all just bumbling humans in this great experiment of life, trying to grow and live happily. Sometimes we hit the mark and we heal our own wounds. Sometimes we just blow everything up and it’s a shit storm. Life is kinda 50/50 sometimes. 

Today I am honoring the sage woman inside me. The woman that realizes that her 48 years are really a huge blessing and have so.much.knowledge. I need to remember that my experience, learning and training are very valuable. 

So. 

I am just sitting with that today. 

I need to collage something…