What does it feel like to be here, this place? This silent place, this place of wondering and wandering.
I feel and I think and I sink into it as deeply as I can let myself. Then I create a space to breathe in what is happening in my life, this new alone place I’m experiencing.
It’s hard to be alone, and it also feels lovely to admit that there is delicious joy in it. I am relishing this space, knowing I’m where I’m supposed to be.
I make all the decisions for my life by myself. 100% me.
It’s terrifying if I let it be. (I don’t, most of the time.)
I feel wickedly free, knowing it is all up to me.
I sometimes feel lonely and alone. Mostly, I am
patiently waiting for what shows up next.
I’m not scared really. I am waiting for the next answers, next steps. Glennon Doyle says “just take the next best step.”
So. I do. I have been in that damn arena fighting for everything important to me, working hard to carve out living life in the way that truly lights me up. I know it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes the right thing is also the most challenging thing. Life is meant to be LIVED, and damn it if I’ll ever be content to live on the sidelines.
Living in a travel trailer behind a kind friend’s house lends a certain realness to one’s life. An adolescent quality is in my life now, like “I don’t have a house, but…I pay my bills.” Or “I don’t have a washer and dryer…can I use yours?” I’m unattached to my age (most of the time) and acknowledge that a lot of what I do right now feels like someone in their late teens/early 20s. I re-entered young adulthood, and I’m the wise crone. But I’m also the Empress Inanna that rides lions and fights death in the underworld by the skin of her teeth.
I am becoming my next incarnation of ME.
Sometimes I feel like I’m floating. A dandelion fluff floating on the breeze. But in so many ways, I’m not. I have an established career and respect. I have friends that I’ve known for almost 40 years. I have adult children. I had a long and loving marriage. I’ve known love several times, regret nothing and love those humans deeply still. I have a bed with multiple pillows and a snoring dog, a few beers with snacks and a warm fire.
Truly, I have everything.
And I’m happy.