Learning to Be

I have been spending time NOT working on my house, so I can learn to be myself in my new way without masking it with keeping busy. That is really hard for me. Working is easy, and I’ve learned to use working to keep from feeling my feelings and moving through.

I adopted two kittens, which one could think was the stupidest thing to do while doing the level of renovation that I am doing.

However, having kittens of my own in my own little house with my sweet dog has turned out to be one of the best things I could do. Having new babies to take care of makes you slow down to kitten time.

That’s a funny line, because my kittens are anything but slow. I guess what I mean is that my focus has been on them for the last week.

I named them Scully and Mulder, an obvious nod to one of my favorite shows, X-Files. They were initially named the way they are because Scully is the redhead, but what’s funny is they have similar personality traits to their namesakes.

Scully is a orange tabby and the heart of the world. He is all love, and he and Korra adore each other. They sleep cuddling. He is very analytical, and will retreat when he feels threatened. He doesn’t like to rock the boat. He jumps at sudden movement and noises (he was traumatically dumped in the Yellowstone river). Mulder thinks the world is fascinating and must know everything, especially if that everything is anything that I am doing. He is convinced there is a food limitation conspiracy (he was abused and abandoned in a crate with nothing and has food issues). He climbed on the laptop just now and wanted attention. He has to find everything out. And yeah, he adores me.

It is fitting that I have two amazing little beings living with me that are together because they bonded in the shelter. Their previous circumstances were terrifying, and their stories remind me of the children we work with as educators. I’ve worked with children that have experienced things that are so unmentionable I can barely swallow to breathe when reading their files. It’s fitting that these boys found me, to be raised in this house together with me and Korra, and to learn that life is actually a good thing, and that most humans have big and kind hearts.

This picture of me above is quite stunning to me…stunning in that I see my face as showing the growth in my heart. I have let go of some of the things that were holding me down like I was being chained in place.

I was sending a quick selfie to a friend, and just snapped this without thought. As soon as I saw it sent in my texts I went—whoa. I have come back into my body.

I have miles to go yet. But I am getting so much closer to authentic me.

This video came out my last year of high school and it changed my life.
I love them forever.
Yeah. All I can say is, this song gets me. Anna Nalick is quite amazing.

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