Sunday Full of Grace: Wild Reckoning

I didn’t want to do the work. I didn’t want to do the emotional or the physical work of making my bathroom a finished space. It was too hard. It was bringing up a lot of emotional baggage in me, and it still is. I LOVE where the project is right now, but the last 6 weeks of demo and construction in that space has pushed me hard. I did not like it for 5.5 of those weeks. Tearing apart the floor piece by piece and feeling super weak because it was so back breaking made me spitting mad. I’m really strong, and I simply could not get rotten subfloor out by hefting it out. It made me crazy.

I had to ask for help. I had to ask for help. I had to ask for help.

I hate am now able to ask for help.

Is this what it’s all about, this learning? What do I need to learn in this life about being vulnerable enough to ask for help? I have recently accepted help in the aisle of Home Depot and let a fellow DIYer help me put 4 sheets of 4×8 drywall onto my cart. Is that the level of self-actualization I’m at? Accepting help and compliments? Ok. I get it. It’s still new for me to allow that, and I’m just going to keep practicing. I usually tell my helpers “thank you, this is saving my muscles for when I’m alone.”

My nightly dream space is also surreal and very real. Last night I dreamt that Will fell in love with a sexy bicycle racer, and the dream made me so happy for him that I woke up and went, “WOW! Yaay!” I’m almost positive that this is going to happen, because that is how my dreams work. (She’s super cute, Will, and she adores you. Congratulations!)

Seriously, it’s all good. In the last week I went on four dates, and talked to another person on the phone. It’s all helping me to find what is meant to be the next path, what is good for me and what isn’t. Every experience teaches me something, and I’m mellowing out more and more. It’s amazing to experience actual dating. Literally, I’ve never done this. I’m 49. And I’m dating like most people do in college. I’m so proud of myself. Some dates have been truly bad, but only one was horrific. Rarely do they blow my mind, but one has, and wow that was nice. Unfortunately, that person lives thousands of miles away. But I’m glad I experienced that time like the Haley’s Comet that it was. I so dig you, amazing human. <3

It’s like my dreams and my life right now are a combination of wrapping up loose ends. Another dream in the last few days was me on a date, and the date said, “I just want to fall in love with my person, all this dating is exhausting.” I liked the person. I was glad they were saying this to me.

The Wild Reckoning of now is understanding on a cellular level who I am, and how comfortable I have become with stating what I need and setting my boundaries. Genuinely, this is something we need to be involved with other humans to do. In dating, I have been super clear about boundaries and needs, and even if it feels awkward for a moment, the awkward goes away quickly. It’s amazing to ask for and assert my needs in life. If someone says or does a tiny thing that for me isn’t tiny, I can just say “I don’t like that,” (in my way based on the situation) and it stops being an issue. In the past I’d let the tiny build up until I blew like a volcano. But no more.

Wait.

PEOPLE, ARE YOU LISTENING?

Say what you need. Ask for what you need, right when you need it.

Say what does not work for you when you know something does not work for you, right when you know.

AND THEN IT ISN’T SOME BIG THING.

It’s just you stating what you need and who you are.

AND SHOCKER: The other person doesn’t care, and they hear you in a non-threatening way. AND they appreciate it.

What?! It’s like a #lifehack.

OH MY GOODNESS this is a revolution.

I have reckoned myself with my feelings during this bathroom transformation, and I’m not done. Knowing I’m comfortably in the home stretch makes me feel a lot of positive things, though. I know I’ve made it. I’m over the hurdle. I’m aware of what I’ve been through, and I know what lessons I need to remember the most.

I also talked to Lucy a lot this weekend and apologized to her for being angry and pissed off. She’s pretty stoked to be getting cosmetic surgery, so she doesn’t mind.

Sometimes the easiest way through the problem is by going directly into the eye of the storm.

Namaste.

2 comments

  1. You can’t use regular sheet rock around the bath tub. You need water resistant sheet rock. It is usually purple or green

    • Yep, I know. It’s all hardie backer except for the piece on the very back of the tub. I’m going to treat it. The rest of the surround is concrete board (hardie backer).

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