At this moment I’m struggling because….I don’t actually want to finish the bathroom.
There. I said it. I mean-I want it done. I’m sick of walking out to the camper to pee. However, it has become a recovery experience and I’m not ready to finish that chapter yet. I am immersed in recovery, and I need more of it. Any kind of recovery is also an addiction story, and SISTER, I have an addiction to pain and suffering. Oh am I used to that story line. Yes. I want this bathroom to be more complete. But I still actually want it to hurt a little. That’s something addicts get. Those of you that get this…well, thank you.
Yesterday (Sunday) I posted pictures of myself crying all over social media. WTF was I thinking? I wasn’t. But I know WHY I did that. I am not here to be a highlight reel. My life is authentic if it is anything. I am honest and true with every bone in my body. It is how I heal and become, it is my true form. So. I had to do that, and I didn’t even think about it. I was just sitting there in the bathroom crying out of frustration, and it felt like something I had to show.
I’m just starting to accept the growth I have the opportunity to experience-why would I want to end that?
I’ve been feeling this different uncertainty that is new. My dreams have had everyone show up, from past and present, and it is overwhelming. Even President Trump showed up in my dreams recently. He was trying to get a preschooler to hold his hand at a take-out pizza potluck. She didn’t want him to touch her and kept pulling her arm away. I went over and said, “SHE SAID NO!!!!” and I took her over to the pizza. I asked her “what DO you want?” and she said “I want a slice of cheese pizza.” Ok, girl. Here’s the damn pizza.
I was freaked out about this having Trump in my dream situation, and then a new person I’ve had two dates with said, “well, maybe that’s you. You’re saying what you want.” The astuteness of that person’s comment got me. Yes, of course. It’s not Trump and it’s not a random little girl. It’s me, saying what I need and rejecting people that I have felt have strength over me, especially men. I’m so overwhelmed by emotions and this realization. They also had this amazing connection, that maybe I am actually already free, but like the Genie in Aladdin, I don’t know I am, or I don’t feel like I am.
Yes. I am free, and I truly know I am. But I haven’t accepted that yet, and I’m still fighting like I’m nailed to the wall. But the truth is, I haven’t been nailed in a long time.
My bathroom is also just–a lot. It’s a lot of work and a lot of emotions. I have wrestled with some really persistent demons in there, and I know I’m not done. Something in me wants me to just bleed and let it all out. Let that bathroom take all the stuff that needs to go and kill it, sever it, burn it off.
One of the crazy things that I’ve done the last few days of work is letting my music (all 3700 songs) go on shuffle on my iTunes. What happens is a bizarre and strangely fitting compilation of rap, country, rock, independent rock/folk, oldies, Top 40, Christmas music, classical piano/cello, Broadway, disco, hip hop. BASICALLY, I’m pretty sure my iTunes is artificially intelligent and knows what I need to hear.