Thankful Thursday: When all the things are sideways

Four Dances Recreational Area, just a regular place to walk my dog.

I don’t think getting “used to” a global pandemic is a thing.

I think it’s okay for all of us to feel restless no matter how many calming activities we do, sleep we get, therapy/exercise we engage in. We are all winging it, every one of us.

This is a truly remarkable time we are living through. The sheer reach of everyone’s experience being one that connects with someone halfway around the world…well, that’s stunning.

I’m stunned.

Like all of us, I have a million things going on and nothing to do at the same time. Trying to work from home with home distractions, or attempting to get some home things done or simply keep up on the regular day to day chores of my household can be overwhelming. I have to pep talk myself now just to get in a daily shower. I heard a Glennon Doyle speak about this today, that in the beginning in her house they were all feeling all of their emotions, and now they’re all just…emotionally drained and empty. They felt all the feelings, and now they’re like zombies. I, too, am in zombie territory.

I have been writing and putting thoughts down. Today I went into my Google drive (and then checked all the other drives) and my 3,000 words I wrote last time are gone. I don’t know why it got to me so hard, but it did. I’m prolific when I’m disciplined, and I was writing about myself. I can get those thoughts and words back, sort of. But I have been so emotionally drained from the minutiae of just staying alive I ended up spending hours looking for my lost prose. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

I had started to tell my story, see. I had finally started to write full essays about the chronological story of what got me to here, beginning a few years ago with emotional explosions in my life and leading up to, well, a worldwide pandemic. The bookends are quite fitting.

I’m mourning getting to go to a brewery and people watch. I’m mourning movie theaters. I’m mourning getting to have a regular week with my students and watch them do silly things on the playground. I miss just wandering around a hardware store or thrift store, imagining. I’m mourning all the loss we are all feeling, because I feel it, too. Losing my words was the last straw. I shed a lot of tears today.

I hope you’ll accept my apologies for writing these paltry words in a time where so many words are being thrown around that mean nothing. I hope these words mean something.

I love humankind with a fierceness that I’ll never lose. I am Pollyanna through and through, and I won’t let that go. I still get angry when I see stupid shit on Facebook or elsewhere, but I’m learning to just silently click “unfollow” instead of engaging in stupid commentary on FB.

The thing is, I love you. God is in all of us. No matter how hard it all gets, that’s enough for me.


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