Self-Help Saturday: Random Thoughts

This shot is from a few weeks ago, when I got my trailer hitched up and headed out to spend a night in it for the first time in over a year with Jess and his boys. The sunflower fields surrounding the area filled my heart up. To me, sunflowers are proof that there is a God. I’ve taken many a sunflower apart with students and predicted and then counted how many seeds are in a mammoth sunflower. Once we counted around 1,300. IN ONE PLANT. From one seed it grew a single flower with the potential of 1,300 other lives. That boggles my mind. I know a many a plant sends out that much potential genetic material to begin new life. But for me, sunflowers make me feel I’m in the presence of the divine, every time.

I helped a friend out today with another friend and we had some deep conversations. There’s nothing like sharing from our deepest selves to make one really reflect on their life. I came home and looked at my tarot for the rest of the year, and recalled what my astrologer told me. I’ve got some lessons to learn and lots of messages to LEAD. Well, ya. It’s a LOT. I’m teaching in Covidlandia. This kind of teaching is next level. The tired is a whole next level of tired. The communication, technology support, relationship building is all extra. It’s harder than I thought it would be to connect with kids when they are wearing masks. I’m still figuring out some kids’s personalities, and I usually have a pretty good connection with who a student is in the first two weeks. I haven’t given any kids nicknames yet.

When I did my cards last December I had no idea I’d be dealing with this kind of scenario.

Just doing lots of reflection about my life and my choices today. I’m so glad I made the choice to live my life on my terms. I am glad I chose to move 1/2 way across the country and start again. I’m still scared sometimes, and when the house maintenance chores wear me out I have to remind myself that I not only chose this, but I was able to choose, and that’s massively fortunate. (The yard is a lot of work and square footage, and I need to have a better watering solution.) I am humbled by being OKAY right now in this crazy global pandemic, and for that I just say, thank you.

Every time I sit down to write, no matter what sitting surface I’m on, my cat Mulder has to be a part of it. He’s very extra. He has to be touching me. When I am able to pause and just take that in, I also feel lucky. But when I just want to drink my coffee and sit on the couch in peace and he’s all whiskers and drool and cat dander/fur…it can feel a bit much. But there is a reason I was sent Mulder and Scully. I need the cats and my dog Korra in a way I don’t think I really appreciate. In college my cat got sick and hated the apartment, so I had take her back home to my parents’ house. Granted, Loma Prieta happened, and she FREAKED OUT in the earthquake. But then when I’d come home later after she’d gone, the absence was loud. Mulder reminds me of Hickory. When I went to adopt this time, it was the orange tabby, Scully that I went to the shelter for. When they informed me I couldn’t have Scully without Mulder, I thought, “Ok. What do I have to lose?”

Nothing. Ok, an empty lap.


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