Oh nelly, oh nelly.
Jess gave me the best framework with which to consider the way I think when he said
“you have a mind that works.”
I said it before, but it really was one of the greatest moments of being understood as who I really am in my life. I don’t have many examples of people really “getting” me. It helped me hone in on my gifts and truly LOVE that about myself vs. seeing my way of being and thinking as a deficit.
A moment of pause to reflect…I really love him. I’m stunned on a daily basis, over seven months after meeting him. He’s unlike anyone I have ever known. He’s rare and 100% himself. He’s like me and not like me in the ways that matter. He makes me think and challenges me gently and shows up for me, and I show up for him. Thank you, Universe/God/Higher self/Power of attraction/Witches/Fates/anythingthathelpedme…for sending him my direction and helping me to get out of my own way enough to recognize him. I am fucking grateful in a way I can’t even express. I know I’ve grown when realize that I don’t feel like he’s too good for me. What I feel instead is “we are perfect for each other.”
All the heart emojis. I love you, Jess.
As a person with “issues,” (we all are, I know this at 50…I didn’t always get that.) such as my ADHD, I’ve grown up as a human that thinks I’m operating as “less.” I felt like less in almost every classroom I existed in from Kindergarten to college. I just operate outside the “norm” that many people expect. I think A LOT. I also know now that I’m smart…something I had to grow and love about myself.
If I have a conversation with you, I have just taken what you said and played 15 steps ahead inside my brain, and that conversation may have had a War Games result that I’m now internally anxious about.
This is all to say: I see you, my anxious bunny friends. I get it. I worry about everything. When people write those dumb memes about worrying being as useful as solving an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum (yeah, that’s Baz Luhrmann, quoted from the video I linked yesterday), I understand on a cellular level what that feels like.
I am an overthinker. Or perhaps a thorough thinker. Or a well-rounded thinker. A thinker that leaves nothing on the table.
All the kids that have to ask 594 questions about the assignment…no matter how frustrating it might be as a teacher that runs a timer of the day in her head…I see you, kid. We’re soulmates.
To the kid that still doesn’t get the difference between a comment and a question…and has to tell me about their connection…I see you and hear you. You, my friend are like me. We are the same.
This is all to say that my class was hard for me today, but not because they themselves were hard. I was hard. I was really hard. I have some personal things I’m working on, and every.single.detail.today.and.5,000th.question.about.the.lesson.made.me.twitch.
This is to say to my teacher friends:
CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.
And, yeah. I’m feeling a little disappointed in my old idol Ice Cube lately, but I still respect the quote.
Hang in there. Don’t take out your shit on the kids. I mean, when I’m worn out I just put my head in my hands and breathe. It tells them that a. you are exasperated and b. everyone breathes.
It’s not perfect. But it’s better than saying stuff you will regret. Everything is so hot and tense everywhere, it’s hard to keep it out of the classroom. Today I failed in that, and I put my head in my hands twice. I breathed. I talked to myself out loud and they heard it. I told myself things like “be patient. It’s ok. Everyone is learning.”
And we are.
We did hard things.
You can, too.