I love the snow, but this snowstorm just felt like too extra today. The amount of clothing we all had to wear just felt ridiculous for life in the time of Covid. It felt so silly.
Everything feels just a little silly. Worrying about things that don’t need to be worried about is #1 on the list of silly. I keep misplacing my worry about cancer and all of the cancer thoughts by worrying about things like “will my students have fun next week while I’m gone?” or “will they like the sub Friday?” My principal reminded me that, no. Those things do not really matter.
And yes, that is very very very uncomfortable to type.
One of my dear friends sent me another gift today. These lovely flowers in a sunflower mug were waiting for me when I got home. The amount of love pouring out to me has been so humbling. And yes. It has been so healing.
It’s overwhelming in a good way, because for one of the first times in my life I’m feeling not really alone.
I was thinking about this on the drive home after work today. Before I met Jess, and when I was new to Billings, I would drive home in a fog, feeling empty and wishing I could skip ahead to the time I could be with the students again. I love being alone and living alone is awesome. I had to learn to love it though. When things are hard, the living alone feels so.alone.
So as I was driving today through the snow like I did for so many months last winter, I was remembering some hard stuff from last year. I had some rough spots and I was crying a lot and super depressed. I just went home every night and cried and felt more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.
Having people remind me that they care has made me feel like there are people in my corner. There are so many people.
This does beg me to question health diagnoses and people’s grief and love, a little. Your friend with chronic depression needs your outreach, too. Your friend with MS, or migraines, or arthritis or in addiction recovery needs your love and attention. For me, this is what cancer is teaching me already.
I have learned that even the tiniest most small offering of love in a message or postcard or gift or thought or text actually means so much to the other person. It may be what gets them through that day.
Thank you for helping me get through the day.
We can do all the hard things.