I had a delicious 3-day weekend.
In the past I’ve struggled with weekends and letting myself fully relax. I’ve been known to work because it’s a routine I know how to do instead of sitting with the uncomfortable knowledge that I need to learn.to.sit.with.myself.without.distraction.
I’ve been practicing sitting with myself on weekends. I have been unapologetically accepting any choices I make. I’ve also been gently encouraging myself to try new things again, and to leave the house.
Recently myself and I had a little chat with each other.
Me: Hi there, Jen.
Also Me: Hey
Me: You need to get out of the house. You don’t need to watch another episode of Grey’s Anatomy. It’s not actually helping you to sit here all weekend. You’ll be really grumpy at school next week if you don’t take better care of yourself.
Also Me: BUT I’m SOOO tired from school. Also, I don’t have to wear masks at home.
Me: I know, (takes Thin Mint out of my hand) and you’ve had a really hard year. But honey, you need to move around.
Also me: What are you saying?
Me: You are beautiful and perfect exactly the way you are. AND your body needs to move around.
Also me: -buries head in couch, pulls blankie over face.-
Me: Listen. We’re going to go to church tomorrow. Text Angie and tell her you’re going so you won’t flake on yourself.
Also me: I do miss church.
Me: Right? It will be good.
Also me: -tries on dress, dress won’t zip- (starts to mutter negative self talk)
Me: Oh my Lord this is gonna be hard.
Also me: Sniff, I loved that dress and it feels like two sizes too small now.
Me: Listen, God doesn’t give two hoots what you wear to church. Remember in Untamed how Glennon says “God is within you?” We’re going to church with God. God does not care what you wear.
Also me: Ok. I can just wear jeans?
Also me: Ok.
Uncharacteristically, I set my alarm well before I had to leave, giving myself time to lounge and drink coffee. I woke up with plenty of time, with the sun shining in the windows, and happiness in my heart. I decided the too small dress was ready for the donation pile. About ten minutes later, I was wearing a skirt and had curled my hair and put on my cute summer sandal heels. I wore this outfit for myself. It gave me a great deal of joy. Going to church and seeing my community that I haven’t seen in over a year brought me joy. Watching children run around getting eggs while I ate a donut gave me joy. I came home and rearranged furniture in my house. I sang along to my records and smiled and laughed and had a great time. I talked to my plants. I made Easter dinner for Jess and the boys and we watched Falcon and Winter Soldier.
Just JOY JOY JOY and I loved every minute of it.
I’m positive I had the day I had because I encouraged myself to change up my routine every day this weekend.
It’s possible to get out of a rut.