Two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was probably the most transformative health experience I’d ever had. Then a year after the breast cancer diagnosis I ended up having the worst school year ever, being diagnosed with PTSD from it, and almost having a heart attack. My heart was pumping 500+ extra heartbeats an hour. I was not well.

So, I’m learning to be well. I’m learning that healing is not linear. I’m learning to give myself all the grace I would give a child. I am saying “No” as a complete response, and I am saying what I need. I did not learn this before my body told me to. But going through two major health events in two years creates urgency. I thought for a long time I was going to die. I lived with cancer in my body assuming it was throwing parties and making more cancer. I thought I was going to have a heart attack or stroke out in my classroom due to the unbelievable amount of stress. And, in a lot of it, I felt kinda alone.

Part of my body healing has been reevaluating what relationships are. A committed love relationship doesn’t have to be with a lover. Creating found family means a deep level of communication, honesty, directness and open mindedness. And that being alone is not the same thing as being lonely, which more accurately describes my vibe during the ups and downs of the last two years.

I treasure and value every single one of the souls that has crossed my path and shown up for me while going through this health journey. I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of my body for her resiliency. I’m proud of having built a community here in Billings that shows up for me. I’m proud of myself for leaning on them.

I’m glad to be here now. I like this version of me. This is Jen, 52.0. Boom.

I am grateful for everything my health has taught me.

AND.

Just for the cheap seats, let me recap my additional feelings about the last two years…

FUCK CANCER. FUCK PTSD.

FUCK BAD JOBS AND BAD BOSSES.

FUCK LOSING LOVE. FUCK HEART DISEASE.

FUCK MEDICAL BILLS.